Thursday, August 31, 2006
My struggle
As I stood at the bus-stop in the morning, listening quietly to the falling raindrops, I suddenly felt like crying, with no apparent reason. I guess it is just that my life is too screwed up and it was as if the sky was crying for me too. What a great way to start a day but I got sadder by the moment as I thought about the events that happened yesterday.
I went for parent-teacher meeting yesterday and I got humiliated by my teacher. I don't know what's wrong with this world, it is like I just can't fit into this world no matter how hard I try. Everytime I try to take a step forward, the whole world is like pushing me back, do you know the feeling of trying very hard yet not achieving anything other than failures and crticisms? I guess, no one will know it other than me. I have been trying very hard, so hard that I don't know what to do anymore and at times,I really feel like giving up.
My form teacher said that I always "show face" though I don't know how or since when I ever did that. My goodness, as if my life is not bad enough, now people must find fault with my face. The threats to de-tie me because I am not a good prefect is seriously enough...I know I can't be a good one but who cares, I just want to be myself no matter whether I am wearing my tie. I don't want to try and be another person, I want to be myself. And most of the times that i got into trouble, is not entirely my fault, is just that I am always so unlucky to do the wrong things at the wrong time.
Then what's worse came,my teacher feels that I haven't put in enough effort in my studies,i can't stomach that.. Just because I screwed up my elementary maththematics does not mean that I am slacking. You are not really supposed to judge how much I study by looking at my results only, is not fair to me. But come to think of it, the world is never fair to me.
I am seriously tired, maybe one day I can just fade away slowly, and I bet no one would even give a hoot. I am just a nobody in this huge world, trying too hard to be somebody. This world is a stage that is too big for me, although I always seem as if I don't care, it is easy to always put on this strong front, but inside I am just dying off bit by bit, it is just too depressing.
Still clinging on to that bit of hope that one day our world will be united, but at this point of time, i still don't know yet. The candle I hold for you is burning ever brightly while consuming itself just to keep it there.
Just hope that one day all this obstacles will come to an end and I could just be the happy, cheerful and KIND boy that I was.. A dream so pure yet something that seemed so impossible.
3:25 AM
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Remember the days where we could do whatever we want, like in primary school and lower secondary? Those were the really carefree days for me where i did not really cared about anything. But as i grow up to secondary three, my life changed completely, everything became different. I tried my best to adapt but i just cant anymore. At times , i really want to go back to those days... i really miss all those stupid things i have done and gone through with my friends and i promise i will never forget them...
You Are STUCK in my mind, and being able to see you is already enough
5:40 AM
