Tuesday, October 31, 2006
A.M.C.J
That faithful day in Secondary One, his friend brought a yearbook of his primary school. As he flipped through the pages, a very Mesmerizing face caught his attention, the face that he will never ever forget for the rest of his life. It was the sweetest thing ever, love at first sight.
He never intended to let anyone know till one of his best of friends questioned him one day, and sort of guess it. There was once in Secondary Two, a friend decided to invite her over for lunch with the hockey people, he did his best to deceive others but only not himself. He could not even muster the courage to say a Hi. He so much wanted to give her a better day other than lunch but he just could not open his mouth to speak those beautiful words.
Then, while everything seemed to be in a blur, another came to his life. He told me that this was different and he often could find that bit of comfort that he longed for. Now he is confused, he can't forget the girl of his dreams and he too has gradually liked this girl. Sometimes, he thinks so much that he can't feel happy anymore. He told me he was confused, but he still had keep that lost courage. I know he wants to really know himself, still in the midst, he is still trying. Boy oh Boy, drop the act and start making your feelings known to her, cause clinging on to false hopes is no use. So treasure her as she is a gift and not to give up so early till you walked finish the whole journey.
8:11 PM
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Happy
The amber coloured dusk is like sweets in a beautiful faraway place. The search for this faraway place continues, while keeping firmly in my mind your temperament and face. A chunk of clouds drop in front of me, makes up your form, following me with the wind, one mouthful and another eating away my worries. After all, the calmness of this place will definitely be one of a kind.
The pencil in my hand, moves back and forth on the paper, I use a few words to describe who you are to me. Every part of you has been engraved in my memories, difficult to put them in words. But soon, takes time but it is going to be very different again. Certain things I still feel so lost in the midst of this confusion, hope I can get an answer soon.
1:01 AM
Thursday, October 26, 2006
The tunnel of darkness
He headed into the tunnel of darkness. Lost his soul during the journey and exited the tunnel, relieved that the darkness has ended. But fate had to play a trick on him, throwing him into another tunnel of darkness just when he started to see the beauty of the light.
Now,he is never afraid of the dark,the feeling of fear is no longer with him, you might say that he has became stronger but in actual fact the feeling of fear has deserted him because he has simply gone through it too many times. He spent hours trying hard to figure all this out but he couldn't. Trying is never a case for him as he will never ever succeed. Left out, confused, what else could he do? All that was left for him was to wait for the saving hands of God to pick his broken soul and put everything back into what it should have been.
Through it all, it was the beauty of this world that kept him going and his determination to find himself. The mended soul we pray will never be broken again or left out in the dark but able to roam freely to enjoy the gifts that the world has to offer.
4:32 AM
Monday, October 23, 2006
Moon And Stars
The darker the night, the more my dream disobeys, it is just hard to chase and enjoy in retrospect. The dark sky at night make me cringe with fear as it represents a tint of lonliness and hopelessness. I remembered once during the real run overnight stay in school, my friend and I got an opportunity to admire the dark sky. As i gazed at the endless piece of darkness, I knew from then on that I feared the dark too.
But luckily there is the moon which seemed so close to the stars but actually they are so far apart. Both light up the night sky a little to give you this sense of life. The moon is the main source of light while the stars are just there to beautify the night sky. Moonlight is only so superficial compared to the twinkling of the stars which most will say it is beautiful. The stars joined together to form a line. I love the stars and the moon but not when the sky is without these two. I hope I can always see them no matter when because I fear darkness. Hope that never come the day where I will be alone.
Through all this, maybe and maybe there will be no end. Let's just not look backwards and just keep on walking, because I do not want to reach the finishing point so soon..
7:27 PM
Friday, October 20, 2006
No more of me being lonely
I have discovered that my fear now is to be alone. I don't like eating alone or walking in the dark alone, with only my shadow beside me. This kind of lonliness is what I am afraid most of.
That day, was one of the rare days where I actually had lots of fun. Hanging out with this friend whom I have known since Secondary One, the full of crap and jovial self of him finally revealed after a long long time. Suddenly we were back to before, our lost carefree days.
We did the usual stuff, played pool but he had to so randomly ask me, "Wee kang do you erm ****?". I stared at him in surprise and before I could react he said you "Master ********".(All those who are my close friends will know what I am talking about). It was not long before we both burst out in laughter. So we continued our usual stuff and it was not long before we saw 2 girls holding hands. We stared at them for awhile before looking at each other playfully, both of us were thinking about the same thing. But sadly, we both hesitated and could not go on to make fun of them by also holding hands and walking beside them. Stupid girls! Jokes came and both us ended laughing so much that we were holding on to our stomachs. "Free abs training".
Such happy days are hard to come by, but it was really stupid and fun that day. Though you ask me to say what I want to say quickly,there are just too many stumbling blocks in front of me. Give me more time till I straighten out everything maybe one day it might just work out. Never thought that I still keep my lost courage with me,really want to ask again, will you wait or leave?
The sky can never be blue again without your smile, the ocean would have never been beautiful if I were to be admiring it alone. The temperature in my body would be freezing cold, with me freezing slowly on the inside if you are not around to give me that bit of warmth. The mundane world is intoxicated, the years of being slightly drunken,I use no regrets to carve a stone tablet for my eternal love to you.
4:37 AM
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Dedicated to my closest friend
Why does things always have to be so similar? Like somehow our fate intertwines and almost everything in our life is similar. Even the people closest to our hearts are also going to leave at the very end, taking away our soul and heart and leaving only our lifeless corpse as they go. Maybe it is because of these similarities that we became such good friends.
I still remembered in Secondary 1, that mushroom head, blur and really funny guy who turns up for training at the wrong time. At that time, all of us were so happy, spending our time training and playing games and "twigging". Those were the good old days that were harshly taken away from us. At the beginning of Secondary 2, we were still about the same but this very same self was not to survive the inevitable changes in our lives. Now we have long forgotten the sweetness of happiness and the freedom of a carefree life.
Maybe you are right, me and you can never ever bring ourselves to replace, with another person. Both our stars in that faraway world will be living in our lifeless souls. I pray that all the bad things that happened to me will not be the same for you and all the good things that happened to me will be double for you. Hopefully, both of us can really find our own form of happiness one day.
6:08 PM
Thursday, October 12, 2006
The key in my life
It was at this very moment that I felt really scared. When I just realised that my life picture is in your hands. Still hanging in mid-air by the thin thread that you hold, I am very scared that one day you will decide to break this very thread and let me plunge downwards into that bottomless pit where I can no longer come back up.
I realised that you were the one all along, the one that kept me going and I am so scared that one day I might just have to take this dreadful plunge, I am still not mentally prepared. It was you that I had the courage to face the things that I have never thought I would be able to do it. I will walk with you to the very end, let's just not contemplate too much but just continue walking. Let me continue living in this fantasy cause I never want to come back to reality. The burning candle in your heart will continue forever, keeping you warm forever so long as you continously put in those memories that we share.
5:35 PM
Friday, October 06, 2006
Broken picture of my life
The faded patches in my life destroyed the happy picture of my life and sometimes this make me wonder whether I really do have a life. Maybe it is that I have long become numb that I can now no longer feel anything. The whole week went by, all I knew was the I was a living like a zombie, living life aimlessly.
One day, I pray that it will al dissppear but it is something so far away from me. No matter how hard I try, it never works. But i hope that at once, just like that, I can be a happy person again, the person who I really am. The mischevious, jovial, talkative and leading that carefree life. I dream of a simple life and I know I can't give up no matter what! Cause I still have dreams that I have not fulfilled and these are my motivation pillars. I still have friends who lift me up each time I fall. I really appreciate them cause they are one of the best things that ever happen to me.
I am working hard now cause I finally know what I want. But certain things just takes time but I am never ever going to give up!
6:49 AM
Memories
Memories, the most priceless and beautiful thing in this world, where no one can take them away from you. Keeping them all inside my heart close to me. Treasuring each and every single one of them, hoping that one day I will not only have these left. Maybe one day, that will be the only thing that I've got left. Still holding on so tightly, hoping that my wish will come true.
6:39 AM
