Monday, November 27, 2006
The sky is grey as if it has been crying. It didn't look so beautiful to me today. A slight sprain on my ankle didn't make things better, feeling beaten up on the inside, I struggle to contain my frustration.
Sometimes, many things make you wonder what you do is right, the hesitation is always the problem. Certain times, everything feels right, at others not even words of blessings can mend my shattered self. When the path seems to have cleared, it tricks you into taking the next step. When you have done that, thats when you realised and fear that everything might be a mistake.
I will walk along with you till the end, even if there is no result, I can bear it. I know your pain is the promise I gave.
5:50 PM
Sunday, November 26, 2006
I thought I was not very popular in the school, people won't be intersted in my affairs. I am just a nobody in this school, nothing great or fantastic to commend about. But the only thing that brings me great joy is that I know many people of my level. From the first class to the last, I have at least a few friends in each one. Not trying to boast at all. Having good human relations can help you when you are in need of help. So it is supposed to be a good thing right? But NO, it turned out that it is these people who I regard as friends making such bad comments about everything.
Is it human nature to be curious? Is it just that people take immense joy in poking into other people's affairs?I personally think that it is okay just to know,but not when you go spread around stuff that you hear. Is this how friends behave?I thought knowing a lot of people in the school is a blessing but never did I expect one day people will have their fun spreading things about me. I thought I had many reliable friends. I just realised that true friends are very few around, the rest are just fakers who pretend to be nice to you and stab you in the back the next moment.
Screw off, you people. I don't need you to know anything and worse go spread stuff. Think it is fun?Wait till one day it happens on you. If you are not sincere in being my friend, just get the hell lost. Maybe my key weakness is that I am just nice to everyone and people take advantage of that. But too bad for all those people trying to make fun of me, I don't care anymore.
11:45 PM
Friday, November 24, 2006
Time
Time doesn't wait for anyone. I have seen the lost and the broken wondering around,eyes wide open but when you look into them, you see nothing. No sparkle of life, no rush of any energy. It is scary no doubt, not much difference from fighting a losing battle. Since the day you were born, you were already initiated into the game and there is no such thing as retreating.
There's so many things I hesitated,I waited, I thought and I realised that it was so foolish of me. Certain things don't require thinking really, just follow your heart and carve your own path. You might think that taking a step back to think is the right thing to do but many of times is the most silly thing to do ever. Wasting that few precious moments, you either just wasted a golden opportunity or you just made the battle a little bit closer to the end. The end is you lose. Cause there's no way you can beat time.
I have been beaten too many times, no chance for any comeback, just waiting for the inevitable end to come.
9:34 AM
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
The last time
All my years in SJI, I have got nothing to show. In studies is like this, in hockey is the same too. I see other CCAs winning medals, while I　can only dream that one day it will be my turn to walk up and receive my medal.
I trained extremely hard during trainings last year thinking that we stood a chance. Thinking that we were a strong team, there was a chance for us to win. But during the Nationals, it was an eye-opener for me, I got to see how much we sucked compared to the other teams. But I didn't give up then, I continued to work hard, made it to the team again this year. But things decide to go against my will again, I remembered clearly, the moment I stepped onto the field, I saw an ACSI attacker came charging towards me, I did everything correct, bent down and focused on the ball. But he was too good for me, he got me wrong-footed before crashing into me,face on. My spectacles flew off, I was blind for that brief moment. He passed the ball and they scored. It was all my fault. I had caused us to be a goal down. While we were desperately chasing for an comeback, they scored again. The game ended 3-1.
Now when trainings finally resumed, I no longer have the drive to work hard anymore. I am trying very hard to motivate myself but sometimes it seems impossible. But maybe having failed too many times, failng once more doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I am gonna give my best one last time, the very last time.
4:49 AM
Monday, November 20, 2006
Is it possible?
I know being sad can't change anything. Then let me be more honest with myself now. So long as the cliff's height is not too high, maybe I will fight my own desperation to succeed. If the doors are open and I can find my way in, I am sure I can leave with pride. Cause in this world, nothing is too big for me anymore. I have grown up, learnt that being sad and helpless won't solve my problems. But no matter the armour of confidence I have, deep down I know I still fear myself. Loneliness is cold, it freezes you inside. Makes you feel weak and numb. Fear eats away everything including your courage. Leave you only weaker and weaker each time you fight it.
Make me believe its possible,someone. I will overcome myself. So now the question is "Is it possible?"
6:56 AM
Friday, November 17, 2006
Still Fantasy
Lights lighting up the dark streets, I will walk there. Cause it is my fantasy, nothing can ever stop me. I will say those words of blessing out loud, I will make it memorable and sweet. The light breeze, orange sky at evening, I will walk along, quietly observing every single detail making sure I remember them deeply. The beautiful picture I've got it all in mind. I can imagine so clearly that somehow I have started on my daydreaming syndrome.
The outcome I will never know, but I can't care much. A broken soldier inside, I am hollow but I am still alive and walking. So long as fate allows it, the end won't be so soon. It is a painting in my mind now, so beautiful to me and I can't help but to think of it every single moment.
But fantasy will always be fantasy, there must be an end. But going through it is good enough for me, I won't be affected much by it, but that doesn't mean that I will forget and plunge down into darkness. I saw hope at the bottom and that led me to climb upwards but if I am going to fall again because of my foolishness, I will take the plunge with no remorse. I am determined.
2:30 AM
Monday, November 06, 2006
I Have Realised
To this time, I am still the same, the loneliness of the night makes people sad easily. The moonlight which becomes bright head on, pulls the shadows long, slowly walking down the street without any destination. Long before, I have once heard a lot about love affairs, they don't have results but only leave the tinge of emotion if a hurt person. It made me deliberately avoid it, solely because I didn't dare believe in love. You treated me well sincerely, unexpectedly making me feel surprised each time, making me give out cheers.
Took me long but I finally got it all mapped out, took courage but I finally did it, took me time but I had the patience. I will stop daydreaming. Still believing that fantansies can be real, still living in deception, it's time I use my own hands to create my own world of fantasy. This beautiful world I know for sure, there will be no troubles, no worries just my own fantansies. This world will be created just for you. If love is deception, I won't mind being decepted a million times, so long as there will be that one out of a million which is true, that bit of pain, I am willing to bear. Things have not been spoken, the whole world nearly understands what that is and I get out of the way smiling embarrassingly. Being an idiot once is enough but courage sometimes just won't obey when you need it.
If today, I am going to lose all I have in front of my eyes, I don't care if I've got nothing left because only you can't be replaced. You are everything in my life.
11:47 PM
Friday, November 03, 2006
Heros of my life
He fell from great heights, landed on the pavement. His body lifeless, only the faint breathings could be heard. He laid there for what seemed like eternity. While he thought he wasn't going to make it, he could almost feel himself right outside the gates of death. He thought it was over, everything was over, he had lost. While he began to allow himself to drift away slowly, an angel appeared.
In his confusion, he could not comprehend what was going on, he just stayed still and forced to keep his eyes wide open. The strong arms picked him up, he did not resist, it was comfortable. He allowed himself to fall into a deep sleep. In his dreams, he could see happiness, joy and the many things in the world he never realised. He never knew these things were true, he never believed in them but he could taste the sweetness of it. He was afraid to wake up, he never wanted what he was experiencing to end but still life was harsh on him.
He woke up, not knowing what to expect, but he saw sunlight, the warmth was the same
as those he experienced in the angel's arms. He saw hope, he gained his strength, he was revived. He vowed to never lose his strength from that day onwards. My friends are like the angels in this story, picking me up after each fall, giving me that extra power to carry on. To all of you who has helped me in one way or another, I say a big THANK YOU!!
4:45 AM
